How to Argue Cooperatively
Arguments, cooperation, assertiveness, conflict resolution, collaboration, stress relief
You will argue.
It is just a fact of life. Two people living together for years on end will one day have a disagreement… or more likely many! However, you don’t have to “fight”. Arguments and disagreements don’t have to turn into stressful and angry events full of heightened emotions and hurt feelings. There are typically 5 ways in which people resolve conflicts. Each strategy involves different levels of assertiveness (advocating for your own needs or wants) and cooperation (willingness to work together). They also each end in a different combination of one or both partners “winning” or “losing”. These strategies are avoiding, competing, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating¹.
Avoiding involves low cooperation, and low assertiveness. It is simply withdrawing from the argument completely. It is unproductive and considered a lose/lose situation as neither side gets what they want or need as the argument gets pushed off.
Competing involves low cooperation and high assertiveness. It is an aggressive and unproductive strategy where each side sees the other as their opponent. These arguments are more likely to get heated, and always end with win/lose, or lose/lose.
Accommodating is a high cooperation and low assertiveness approach. This is where one side gives in to the other side’s demands and gives up on their own wants or needs. Though this is a non aggressive strategy, it can lead to built up resentment over time and is a win/lose situation.
Compromising is a moderate cooperation and moderate assertiveness style. This is when both parties give up a little bit of what they want or need in favor of keeping the peace so each side gets a part of what they want. However even though this is a more peaceful resolution and is more favorable over other strategies, it is still considered a lose/lose as both partners do end up with less than they desired and can leave feeling dissatisfied.
Collaborating is a high cooperation and high assertiveness approach when both partners get together, lay out what they want or need, and then work together to find a way for them both to get it. Both partners advocate for what they need from the situation, but are also highly motivated to work together and have their partner’s needs met too. This ends in a win/win resolution.
Each style of conflict resolution has its time and place. If a situation is already too heated to try other methods of resolution, avoidance could be the best strategy to reduce the risk of an argument turning more heated or even violent. Compromises and accommodations are also a part of life and will happen sometimes. However, when possible, collaborations are the best strategies of conflict resolution most likely to end in both partners satisfied and happy. The type of strategy you use, and the frequency of arguments may depend on the different personalities of you and your partner². Frequency may also increase or decrease with health and life changes, it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doing worse as long as you know how to work together. Just remember to always be working on your marital quality, as a healthier marriage is associated with better physical and psychological health, less risk of heart disease, and a longer life³⁻⁶ ! One of the best ways to keep conflict from affecting your marriage is by keep your stress low.
A good way to lower stress during conflict to make it easier to collaborate, is to practice self soothing or other stress relieving activities. What is something that helps you destress? How about your partner? Do you know what helps them relax? Some good strategies when you feel things getting over heated could be breathing exercises. There are apps on your phone that can help you practice some, as they are good for any stressful situation you may find yourself in. An easy one to remember is to breath in for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, then breath out for 8 seconds. Do this a few times until you feel your heartrate slow⁷.
Another way to help take the stress out of hard conversations is to do them in a place that does not add to the stress. Arguing in a messy home will only make the conversation more stressful. Maybe tidy up together before sitting down to talk. Maybe you can even mix up a fancy drink or your favorite treat before beginning (sipping on refreshments also provide a great excuse to take small breaks when you are getting too upset. Instead of saying something you may regret, just take a drink). If you know your partner will try to avoid the conversation, another strategy is to begin the conversation while driving as this provides an environment where you will have their attention and neither partner can walk away, though of course I recommend pulling over if there begins to be tension as that’s not a safe state to drive in.
In conclusion, there are many things to consider when going in to an argument. You should consider what conflict resolution strategy you would like to use, the environment in which the conflict is taking place, and be mindful of your stress levels and what you can do to lower them. Conflict is part of any close relationship, but there are healthier and more low stress ways to go about it.
In the discussion area below, consider the last time you had a hard argument with someone. What conflict resolution strategy was used? What do you wish you could have done differently, if anything, with what you now know?
Sources
5 Strategies for Conflict Resolution in the workplace. (2023, September 7). Business Insights Blog. https://online.hbs.edu/blog/post/strategies-for-conflict-resolution-in-the-workplace
Iveniuk, J., Waite, L. J., Laumann, E., McClintock, M. K., & Tiedt, A. D. (2014). Marital conflict in older couples: Positivity, personality, and health. Journal of marriage and family, 76(1), 130-144.
Shrout, M. R., Brown, R. D., Orbuch, T. L., & Weigel, D. J. (2019). A multidimensional examination of marital conflict and subjective health over 16 years. Personal Relationships, 26(3), 490-506.
Robles, T. F., Slatcher, R. B., Trombello, J. M., & McGinn, M. M. (2014). Marital quality and health: a meta-analytic review. Psychological bulletin, 140(1), 140.
Smith, T. W., Uchino, B. N., Florsheim, P., Berg, C. A., Butner, J., Hawkins, M., ... & Yoon, H. C. (2011). Affiliation and control during marital disagreement, history of divorce, and asymptomatic coronary artery calcification in older couples. Psychosomatic Medicine, 73(4), 350-357.
Wanic, R., & Kulik, J. (2011). Toward an understanding of gender differences in the impact of marital conflict on health. Sex roles, 65, 297-312.
Fletcher, J. (2023, October 4). How to use 4-7-8 breathing for anxiety. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324417#:~:text=The%204%2D7%2D8%20breathing,Pranayama%20is%20common%20in%20yoga.
