Becoming Fluent in your Partner’s Language
Communication, Love Languages, Successful Marriage, Healthy Relationship, Happiness
You have probably heard many times about the importance of healthy communication in a successful relationship, but that’s because it really is that important! The way we communicate with our partner, both verbal and nonverbal, is crucial to building and maintaining a strong relationship¹.
There are several negative communication patterns named by John Gottman as the “Four Horsemen of Divorce”², meaning the presence of any or all of these things in a relationship are an almost sure sign that the relationship will fail if changes are not made.
Contempt. When a relationship is new, you may see your partner as near perfect or put them on a pedestal. However, after a relationship has gone on for several years you may see yourself beginning to see more and more things your partner says or does as annoying or “bad”. You may even start to dislike or even hate your partner. This is contempt, and it is a relationship killer. Fortunately, this can be eliminated by practicing “positive override” where you make a conscious effort to see the good in your partner. This takes practice, but it can be done and could save your marriage.
Criticism. This very often coincides with contempt. Constantly telling your partner they are doing something wrong, or that there is something wrong with them will very quickly destroy your relationship. This can easily be combatted by using a “soft start-up.” This is a communication tool also knowns as a “compliment sandwich”. First, you compliment your partner, or say something kind. Then you follow with a brief explanation of what you want done or what change you need them to make. Finally, you finish off with another kind remark or compliment. This is an easy tool to make your comments land softer and preserve the love and understanding in your relationship.
Defensiveness. This is where a partner begins to take everything as a personal attack against them, and refuse to take accountability or anything they may have done “wrong”. When one partner criticizes, the other partner may make an excuse followed by turning it into a criticism of the other partner. This is destructive to relationships as both partners must take accountability for their part in any argument or issue in order for a resolution to be reached. This defensiveness is defeated by both partners making an effort to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions. “I statements” are a great example of a communication tool to use for this. Instead of saying “you make me feel so angry”, you can say “I feel angry when…” as these statements help you take ownership of your own thoughts and feelings.
Stonewalling. This is when instead of continuing in an argument, one partner completely withdraws physically or mentally whenever the subject is brought up. This is unhealthy because completely avoiding all conflict means an agreement will never be reached. Problems do not go away if ignored, and frustration and resentment will begin to build up over time. This can be fixed by learning how to practice “self soothing”. If tensions are too high to continue, pull back for 20 minutes. Go into separate rooms and do something that relaxes you. 20 minutes is important because that is how long it takes for adrenalin to work its way out of your system. After the 20 minutes is over and you feel more calm, return to the conversation and utilize all your other healthy communication techniques to reach an understanding.
Avoiding these unhealthy patterns and using all the healthy communication tools you have will help your relationship be longer and happier. Practice these tools and use them often, as studies confirm they truly do help build happier relationships³.
The way we resolve conflict is very important, but so is the way we handle the good times. Everybody has different ways in which they prefer to give or receive love. These are known as “love languages”, of which there are typically five.
Physical touch
Quality time
Gifts
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
It’s important to identify your love language, as well as your partner’s. Knowing this will help you to know what you can do to best show love to your partner. Not only that, but communicating your own love language to your partner will help them know how best to show you they care. Understanding each others’ love languages can also help clear up misunderstandings as you can better detect when your partner is trying to show you affection. Maybe your partner doesn’t come home with roses for you every weekend, but instead you notice that they always volunteer to do the chore you hate or are constantly paying you compliments. Learning your partner’s unique language of love will help strengthen your bond.
Today, sit down with your partner and discuss your love languages. If you are unsure of which you identify with the most, take this free love languages quiz and discuss the results together. Afterwards, you can also discuss the suggested healthy communication tools listed earlier. I promise, you won’t regret taking a few minutes out of your day to get to know your partner better. Your relationship will thank you!
Sources
1. Ouseph, S., & Bance, L. O. (2022). Impact of Marital Stress and Communication Quality on Marital Satisfaction: Basis for Proposed Couple Relationships Enhancement Program. Indian Journal of Positive Psychology, 13(4).
2. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
3. Barden, S. M., Carlson, R. G., Dillman Taylor, D., Dickenson, T., & Gao, R. (2022). A randomized trial of relationship education using Within Our Reach for economically vulnerable couples. Family process,61(3), 1005-1020.
