Sexual Problems and Solutions
Sexuality, Intimacy, Dysfunction, Sensate Focus, Problems and Solutions
Whether you have been sexually active before marriage or not, your sexual relationship will change after officially tying the knot. You are committing to have relations with and be faithful to only this one person for the rest of your life! That alone is enough to change up the dynamic between the two of you. Newlyweds, couples with young children, parents of teenagers, and retirees who've been married for 50+ years can all use information about solving problems in your romantic relationship.
For Newlyweds who have not been sexually active before, you should consider taking a class or searching up some good academic information on exploring your newfound sexuality together. It is vitally important in a marriage to understand not only what makes your partner feel good, but what makes YOU feel good! Your partner will feel better knowing you are enjoying it too. Know that if this is your first time, it is NOT going to be perfect, so don't expect it to be! It could be awkward, uncomfortable, silly, or any combination of emotions. However, it shouldn't be painful, so if you are experiencing pain, stop, slow down, and try something else. If you continue to feel pain (more than discomfort) stop and make an appointment to see a doctor. There are several reasons why you might be experiencing pain such as lack of lubrication, a more serious condition like vaginismus or an infection, or even psychological or emotional reasons.
Now talk about it!
After you have tried some things out together, spend time having an open and honest conversation about your preferences. Do not be afraid to tell your partner what you liked and did not like, as well as what you may want to try in the future. If your partner points out something they did not enjoy, do not take it personally. You are both learning together what makes you feel good, and what doesn't, so it's important to take and consider all advice and your partner's opinions.
For couples who have been together before, and experienced some sort of problem with the experience, you are not alone. There are many reasons why you may experience some hiccups either at the beginning, a few months in, or years and years into a relationship. If you are experiencing pain in any way, consult with a doctor. Pain from intercourse can come from any number of factors from lack of proper lubrication to physical ailments affecting your reproductive system¹. Many conditions can be easily treated, and your health is too important for you to just "push through the pain". There is a myth that the first time should always hurt for the female partner, and this is simply not true. Never ignore your pain because you don't wish to be a nuisance. For male partners, there are common problems such as Erectile dysfunction which are true medical issues you should not be embarrassed about. If you are truly worried about your ability to achieve or maintain erection, there are also many medical treatments or therapies available. Many many people struggle with such conditions, so do not let embarrassment keep you from seeing a medical professional and improving your sexual relationship.
For couples experiencing psychological issues surrounding intercourse such as shame, fear, anxiety, or other such issues, there are medical professionals and sex therapists who can help provide treatment and encouragement.
Sensate Focus is an amazing sex therapy technique. According to Psychology Today, "sensate focus is not just a therapeutic technique... Sensate focus may be used individually or with a partner to: Increase body awareness and comfort; build trust and emotional closeness; slow down the sexual interaction for the partner(s) who may need it; increase sexual desire; and, where there is a psychosocial component to the sexual difficulty, sensate focus may serve as the foundation for the treatment of the sexual concern." This mindfulness exercise starts with non-sexual touching, and progresses gradually through 5 steps ending in intercourse. This is a great tool for addressing many different sexual problems, and it easy to do on your own with many sources of instructions easily available on the internet. This is not a cure all, but it can address or help diagnose many problems not serious enough to bring to a therapist or physician².
In conclusion, intimacy both physical and emotional is vital to a good relationship. Sexual problems are much more common than you may think, and many can be easily treated by medical professionals or through therapy. An easy first step you can try when experiencing an issue or when first starting a sexual relationship is practicing sensate focus. Perhaps most important of all for a healthy sexual relationship is open and honest communication. Learn about yourself and your partner, and don't be afraid to teach your partner about what you learn!
Sources
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/painful-intercourse/symptoms-causes/syc-20375967#:~:text=An%20infection%20in%20the%20genital,wall%20can%20make%20penetration%20painful.
Hock, R. R. (2007). Human sexuality. 4th edition.
